My Dad moved into a new house the week before school, so we were still settling into the house when the end of September came around. It was time for me to have a belated birthday party since the house was no longer filled with cardboard boxes. About a week and a half before the party I started planning things out and I invited about 40 or so people. Will and Nikki included, of course. So it was my 18th birthday and I was going to try to have the most fun Iapos;ve had in a long time.
I got everything ready. I cleaned up the house and set all the food out. I was waiting impatiently for everyone to show up. About 5 minutes before 7, when the party was supposed to start, Will showed up. Nikki couldnapos;t come. I forget what the reason was, but Iapos;m pretty sure she had to go somewhere with her Mom for the weekend. Will and I stood in my front lawn and just talked for a while until more people showed up. One by one all my friends drove up to my house and came inside to hang out.
About 2 hours later, it was pitch black outside. My friends were all in groups scattered around my lawn and house. I was bouncing from group to group, talking to different people. But Will was a little bit shy because he didnapos;t know that many people there and I could tell he felt uncomfortable. So I pulled him aside and reminded him of the spot by the river near my house that I found.
The week before my party I was walking around my new neighborhood I was walking along the train tracks that ran parallel to the river. At one spot, there was a bridge going over a dead end street that went right into the river, used for loading boats on and off a trailer. I climbed on the bridge and sat right next to the train track, listening to the river. This was my new favorite spot to go to when I needed to clear my head. It was so relaxing to just sit and listen to the river and the passing cars on the street blocks away behind me.
So I reminded Will of the spot and asked him if he wanted to go see it. He told me that he did. After I told a few friends that I was going for a quick walk, Will and I headed down the hill towards the river. We were walking on the sidewalk along the road and just talking about how the party was going and who all showed up. As we walked down a set of concrete stairs towards a small park near the river, I looked down at my feet and saw a leaf. It was a yellowish color, almost brown. But it wasnapos;t quite dead just yet. As soon as I saw it, it instantly reminded me of a heart. I glanced back at it and even stopped walking just for half a second. Will asked what I was doing in this awkward, "I feel like weapos;re going to be having a serious talk in a couple minutes and Iapos;m not sure Iapos;m interested" tone of voice. But I just said it was nothing and kept guiding him towards the river.
We got to the train tracks. Will was wearing his signature cowboy boots. I remember chuckling when watching him walk along the rail road ties, trying not to miss a single one as he walked, as if it was some sort of game. He heard me chuckling so he felt it necessary to explain himself. "I donapos;t want to get my boots muddy. I just polished them," he said. He smiled back at me. We kept laughing as we walked. I pointed to the spot on the bridge where we would have to get to, and I led him there.
As soon as we sat down on the bridge, we both just stopped talking. It was as if there was just this understood silence. Neither one of us wanted to talk. Iapos;m sure there was something we could say, something we could converse about, but being here in this moment, nothing was worthy of being discussed. But still, I wanted to break the silence.
"This place is a lot better when the stars are out."
Will always talked about how Pittsburgh failed in comparison to where he lived in Kentucky when it came to night skies. I just wanted to show him that there was a spot when the stars were beautiful in Pittsburgh as they reflected off the river. But he didnapos;t say anything.
And we continued to sit in silence. I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw him just looking around, trying to take it all in. He liked this spot. Maybe not as much as me, but I knew he had a certain respect for it. I loved watching the lights from the buildings across the river reflect off of the water; Watching the water ripples interrupt the lights, as if there was another city under the water that was out of my reach. "You alright?" Willapos;s voice broke the silence and broke my thoughts about underwater cities that could never exist. His voice was filled with more care than I ever heard from him before. Will and I have had serious conversations, but Iapos;ve never heard such a care filled voice from him as long as Iapos;ve known him. "Yeah, I guess," is all I could say to him.
He knew I wasnapos;t alright. He knew I was lying when I said I didnapos;t have feelings for him. Was I really that obvious, though? I thought I was doing so well at pretending that I just wanted him to be a close friend of mine. Nothing more. But he could see right through me. I felt so sick to my stomach, as if I was going to throw up at any minute from all of this lying. I couldnapos;t take it, but I also couldnapos;t tell him the truth.
My phone rang. It was a friend who was concerned and wondering what was taking so long. I told her we were on our way back and weapos;d be home in a few minutes. I hung up before I gave her the chance to ask anymore questions.
Right after I hung up the phone Will asked "Is something on your mind?" I chuckled at this question and responded simply with, "No more than usual." Will dropped a bomb on me. "Is something still there?" He didnapos;t have to say anything else. I knew exactly what he was asking. I just looked at him. He had a concerned look on his face, but it was covered up with his tough exterior. But just like him, I could see right through him. I knew he was genuinely concerned. So I had to respond.
"Yeah... Always."
We sat there in silence. I donapos;t think he knew what to say or what to do. My vision started getting blurry because I was trying to see past tears. Before any of them could pour down from my eyes, my phone rang again. It was a different friend. I know I sounded a little bit more frustrated than the previous time, but I really just wanted to be left alone with Will for a while, even there was a party going on at my house.
I hung up the phone and let out a sigh. The tears were still there. I couldnapos;t hold it in anymore. I just looked at him. He was looking at the river. So I started to cry. I tried so hard to hold in the sobbing, and I just let the tears fall. My breathing was shaky. He turned to me and, in the same care filled tone of voice, said, "If you need to... Go ahead." So I did. I sobbed. I pathetically sat on that bridge and sobbed. There were no particular thoughts running through my head, but I was just so frustrated and felt like I lost all control of my emotions. Crying was the only thing I could do.
After about ten minutes I composed myself and sat upright. Will said, "You know, we have to go back sometime." I responded, "I know we do." "Just make sure youapos;re ready," he said, in a reassuring voice. But I needed to talk. I wasnapos;t ready to go back.
"This is why I hate coming down here. I hate it so fucking much. I get caught up in all of it. I lose all sense of time and purpose in the world. Everything makes sense when Iapos;m down here. My mind races and I get these thoughts in my head and I donapos;t have to live in a world that doesnapos;t make sense to me; I can live somewhere that doesnapos;t have time, rules, or boundaries. I just want to live in this moment forever, ya know? I want us to live in this moment. Forever."
I paused and took a deep breath.
"But we canapos;t.. We gotta go back sometime, right?"
I stood up and walked out. I walked out of this moment. I walked out of something that I never wanted to see the end of. As I followed the train tracks back, I didnapos;t hear Willapos;s feet. I looked back and saw him still sitting on the bridge, looking out at the river. So I stopped and waited. He got up several minutes later and followed behind me.
We walked back in silence, and I picked up the heart shaped leaf as we climbed the stairs to the street.
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